It’s near impossible to go a day and not hear or see the phrase ‘self-care’ at some point.
While I do think the concept of self-care has good intentions, for so many of us it feels unattainable, unrealistic, or just plain confusing. Like, what even is self-care anyways?
Self-care has been talked about as a way to combat stress, anxiety, burnout, depression, sadness, and a host of other undesirable emotions and experiences, but for so many of us, self-care feels unattainable. We see images of a lady in a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a novel and we’re supposed to think that’s what will help me not hate my job and have closer friendships. Yeah, I’m not buying that…
Why Isn’t This Working?
While I don’t doubt that a hot bath and a stiff drink for some would be nice after a long day, these things are not truly addressing the root of our discomfort and displeasure and they are to going to change the path we’re on.
I know we all have tried mainstream self-care suggestions but we just are not getting out of it what we were promised.
Here’s something important I think you need to know:
YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG
Truthfully, you’ve been mislead. You’ve been told and shown over and over again that self-care is exactly what you need to change your life; a massage, essential oils, or splurge purchase is the magick reset button, but it’s not.
Massage, Meditation, or Mindfulness
Time, money, and having to learn a new skill on our own are all significant barriers to traditional self-care suggestions. It’s human nature to want to address an issue quickly but shifts in behavior and deep personal growth take time and investment.
What I see talked about in the mainstream as self-care falls more into the concept of self-soothing and we need to start talking about the difference between them. Here’s how I think about the difference between them:
Self-Care
Self-care : long term strategies for health, wellness, and happiness. This include all facets of health and wellbeing; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, social, and financial.
Self-care could include a wellness plan with holistic providers, regularly scheduling breaks and vacations, having a personal financial plan, setting career and life goals, being proactive.
Self-Soothing
Self-soothing : short term, in the moment, stress and anxiety reduction. This is an effort to directly address and regulate your current emotional state.
Self-soothing could include getting a massage, taking a day off from work, a hot bath, an afternoon reading, coffee with a friend.
But How Do I Do It
When thinking about self-care and self-soothing in your own day-to-day, it may be helpful to consider if you need a temporary or sustained change.
For example:
I have a hard day because I got up late, am fighting a cold, get stuck in traffic, and was stuck in an extra long meeting.
To me, these sound like daily conditions that contributed to the difficult day. Any one of these could feasibly shift on their own and it not be indicative of a long-term trend. Self-soothing after this day is likely most appropriate.
Self-soothing strategies that may be helpful in this situation could include taking the next day off work, picking up some cold medicine, having herbal tea before bed, a hot steamy shower, and journaling to release the day’s frustrations.
VERSUS
I have a hard day because my job feels like a never-ending hamster wheel with a horrible commute and coworkers that don’t value my time or ability.
To me, this sounds like ongoing trends and conditions that need a deeper investment to shift and overcome. Maybe it’s time for a new job closer to home with a supportive peer group. Addressing this would be best as a long-term self-care strategy focused on career fulfillment and how it impacts mental/emotional wellbeing.
Self-care strategies that may be helpful in this situation could include finding a mentor or job coach to get clear about where you want your career to go. Yes, this will likely take time, money, and an lot of personal investment but long term happiness is worth the long term investment.
So What Now?
I don’t know what’s best for you, but I trust that you do.
Take some time and really inventory what is not working, what you want to change, and why the conditions are persisting. Once you have a solid grasp on what you want to shift, you can start to identify if it’s self-care or self-soothing that will be most beneficial for you.
While it is easy to self isolate, especially when you’re not feeling your best, I do encourage you to reach out to someone as you navigate this process. Whether it is a professional to support a big shift or your bestie to validate your feelings, including others in our lives and processes can be a huge help when the path seems unclear.
Know that self-care and self-soothing both have a valid and important role in our lives. Resist any pull to have your practices look like someone else’s or what you see on social media and you’ll find what truly is best for you and most resonate. It may take a little trial-and-error, but when you know what it is you want, that’s when you can find that path to reach it.
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